Gotta Go

At a very young age, my oldest son told me he had to go.
G-O.
As in, he had to be obedient to a calling on his heart.
In this case,  GO meant he had to leave.
Not just his home.
Not just his neighborhood.
Not just the town and state in which he had always lived.
GO was something that would take him beyond borders and oceans he’d only read about in school or seen on the news.
GO was something that would take him away from his family.
His brothers.
His pet iguana.
And, away from his mom.
Me.

I didn’t know how to let him go.
On the outside, to others, I seemed cool and collected.
I appeared to have this calm that didn’t make sense.
But inside me, there was chaos.
And fear.
And anger.
And worry.
And frustration.
And sadness.
All of these things, raging.
And just about every ounce of my being was questioning “why”.
And if I wasn’t questioning, I was demanding.
Trying to negotiate.
And then finding rest in the thought that GO wouldn’t really happen.
Afterall, it would take, well, a miracle to GO.
It was no small task to prepare for.
And it was costly.
Very expensive.
Considering he was just out of high school and would rely on the financial support of others, I found comfort in the quiet, hidden part of my self that did cartwheels over the idea of the financial responsibility not being met.
I didn’t tell him that, at the time.
I didn’t tell anyone then.
I secretly held on to the (what seemed) rational fact that he couldn’t raise the money to GO.

And you know what?  He couldn’t raise the money to Go.  But a miracle did happen, and God provided exactly what was needed to GO.  Exactly!

So, he went.  That was about 4 years ago.

No matter my selfish desire to hold on to him, no matter my secret hope of “the miracle” of financial funding to be unseen, and no matter whatever reasons I could come up with as to why he shouldn’t leave…GO happened anyway.

You know why?

Because of a love greater than I can ever imagine.
Because of a faithfulness I didn’t understand at the time.
And because of the obedience of many people to listen to the still, quiet call of the Holy Spirit.
A call to GO.
A call to pray.
A call to provide.

As I stood by the sink one evening, in our empty kitchen some 4 years ago, exhausted from the battle I was having internally, I physically threw my hands in the air and just wept.  Cried like there was no tomorrow.  And I said, “Lord, he’s yours.  If this is your will for his life, please move me out of the way.”  In that instant, a sureal calm drenched me from head to toe.  It was almost a prickly warm feeling, and as it radiated through my body, the weight of the world that I had been carrying was lifted.  Just.Like.That.

Within days, the huge financial obligation required to GO was met.

Within two weeks, our son was half a world away.

As I read in the Jesus Calling deovtion today, my heart leapt in harmony with every word –

“Entrust your loved ones to Me; release them into My protective  care.  They are much safer with Me than in your clinging hands.”

Yes, Lord, YES!

“When you release loved ones to Me, you are free to cling to My hand.  As you entrust others into My care, I am free to shower blessings on them.  My Presence will go with them wherever they go, and I will give them rest.  This same Presence stays with you as you relax and place your trust in Me.  Watch and see what I will do.”

Watching, and expecting.

And I am so grateful!

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