the toenail An Important Part Of The Whole

In the late hour
usually
when I finally fall to rest
my head is busy –
busier than it was before my feet left the floor

But last night
unusually
when I fell to rest
my head quieted
and stillness filled that small space
between awake
and
asleep

and I said, without a voice:

Lord, please protect my boy.  Please wrap Your arms around him.  You know him, exactly where he is.  And I’m so thankful for that.

And Lord, I’m sorry for not spending time in Your Word like I should.  You must be so disappointed in me.  I feel like I let You down all the time…

And Jesus said, without a voice (loudly, as to stop my downward spiral of thought):

Remember when you were broken in February 2018?  You didn’t know how to feel, how to think, how to act about the circumstances the world had you wrapped in. You were confused and hurt and experiencing a pain that was foreign to your identity as a mother.  You didn’t even know how to begin to earthly put pieces back into order, or even if there was an order to be restored at all…but what you did do was lean into Me.  Remember riding down the interstate, shouting Philippians 4 as loud as you could?  Remember sitting at the kitchen table, with tears that wouldn’t stop flowing and kept interrupting My Words you were so desperately clinging to?  There is so much beauty in your drawing near to Me.  You tend to do that when you run out of answers or when the work of darkness pulls the rug out from under your feet.  And that’s okay.  But you don’t have to wait until times like that to lean into Me.  I’m here.  Always.  In the highs and in the lows, I Am with you.  Beauty as I intended it is the product of your leaning into Me.  Beauty is what I see.  Not disappointment.

What happened next?  The soundest sleep found me.  And I woke the next morning, refreshed and ready to put my feet back on the floor for another go at another day in this world that is not my home.