the toenail An Important Part Of The Whole

“How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?”

I still don’t know the answer to that question.

I do know, however, the answer to a different question.

It takes Songbird3 exactly 172 days to feel indeterminate poignancy over the absence of her oldest son.

Man, sure is easier to type that as third person than it is to experience it as first.

You know, I noticed this whatever it is coming over me a couple of days ago, but it wasn’t until today that I was able to acknowledge the angst I’ve been having over this.  Everyone (including me!)  has been so surprised and encouraged by how seemingly easy this family vacancy has been in our household.  I’ve been given the blessing of such enormous joy throughout these last few months.  I still have joy, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve let a little bit of that empty place at our dinner table create a void in my today.  I miss him.

Yeah, I just miss him.

The last verse in the book of John in the New Testament reads:

And there are also many other things that Jesus did, which if they were written one by one, I suppose that even the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.  Amen.

                                                                                                John 21:25 (NKJV)

What an awesome thing!  

I’m camping out here for a while, outside of the box that I have tried to put God’s word in.  It’s my human nature to want to put everything neat and tidy in a box.  I like to categorize things.  I like to see collections neatly organized and completed.  I’ve never really thought about the box I have created for God’s word, until I learned of that verse last night.  God’s word is not intended to be neat and orderly and put away in a box.  It’s too big, too complex, and ever growing in meaning to my life.  It’s alive!  Things that are alive can never be bound by the physical parameters of a receptacle of any kind.  His word is in the box, hanging outside of the box, bouncing up and down around the box……I imagine sometimes his word turns the box upside down, even!  

Praise God for showing me how boundless his word is!

Have you looked at what is going on around you?
I mean really stopped, took a time out, and observed the details of where you are right now?

I am always surprised when I do this, even though what I find is always the same:  Jesus is so obviously at work in every detail around me.

How does he do that?!  This, I do not have an answer to, but I can tell you why he does it:  He loves me.  He loves me!  It is because of his tremendous love that he carefully has orchestrated and knitted together every fine detail of my moments.  There are so many that I don’t notice.  Way more than I do notice.  But I never fail to see his hands at work when I truly pause to take a look.

Today I am praising God for what he is doing in my life and thanking him for all the ways he works things out for my good.  Even when I cannot see it, I know that he is there, working things out for me.  And I’m excited in advance for the moments when I am able to see exactly how his plan for me unfolds.

Our 9-year-old little boy with a 106.2 fever.
Coughing.
Glassed over eyes.
Pink cheeks and ears.

It was our third visit to see Dr. Mohr.
An unscheduled visit, of course.  We could never plan for these things.
For more than two weeks, the strep virus had danced it’s way in and through our entire household.
Despite antibiotics and cough syrups and  a firm Motrin/Tylenol routine, our youngest son was still struggling.

We joined several  people in the waiting room, all patients waiting for their turn.
There was an older couple waiting, along with a man with a walker and a woman who kept checking her watch and sending text messages.
As the nurse opened the door to call for a patient to enter the examination area, the stale air in the waiting area seemed to be energized quickly with the anticipation of every person waiting…then as the door closed, the air lost all vitality and returned to it’s stale, heavy atmosphere.  The wait.  The atmosphere of waiting.

After the 3rd person was called back, our son exclaimed, “That’s not fair!  We’ve been waiting a long time!”.  I could only smile at him and put my arms around him, reminding him that all the other patients probably had appointments, but that we were “walk ins”.  I reminded him that we would soon be in to see the doctor.

A 4th person was called back.

A 5th.

It was at that moment that I realized there was a very teachable moment before us.

“Lane, do you know what hope feels like?”

Lane was now slumping even lower in his chair, shrugging his shoulders in an “I don’t know” motion.

“You know when you hear that door open, you hear the hinges squeaking, and you are waiting to hear the name the nurse is going to call?

Lane:  “Yeah.”

“Well, don’t you HOPE that she is going to call your name?  Aren’t you watching, along with everyone else in the waiting room, to see if you’re going to be next?  That’s what hope feels like!  For a minute, you are excited and expecting to hear your name.  Now, do you know what faith is?”

Lane:  “Uh-huh.  It’s believing.”

“That’s right!  When we have faith in something, we believe completely in it.  I have faith that your name is going to be called, don’t you?”

Lane:  “Yeah, I guess so.”

“When you’re hoping your name is going to be called, and then it’s not, it’s kind of a let down.  But you have faith and know that your name IS going to be called, you just don’t know when.  Having faith makes it easier to wait for your name to be called.”

Lane just snuggled up a little closer to me as we continued to wait for his name to be called.  I was so thankful for the understanding of Hope and Faith I was being shown and praised our Savior for allowing me to talk about these things with Lane while we waited.  And as He always does, I was showered with the peace of knowing that of Hope and Faith and Love, the greatest of these is Love.  It is the Love of our Father that allows for patience in gaining an understanding of Hope and Faith to help us along in our journey.

I don’t mind waiting in the doctor’s office.  I’ve heard of a lot of people lately complaining about wait times.  There are so many sick people and needs that we are not privileged to know about others.  When we sit in a  room full of patients waiting to be seen, sometimes it can get frustrating.  It’s easy to point our fingers at others and assign blame for our “waste of time” while we wait for appointments that seem to be over scheduled, or fail to fall within a certain time limit.  Patience, Hope, Faith and Love.  When we keep these things at the top of our daily “to do list”, it will certainly help offset the negativities that can creep in and steal our peace, our joy.

1 Corinthians 13:13

Update:  Today was our 4th visit to see Dr. Mohr.  Again, unscheduled.  Today’s wait, however, was much easier on Lane.  He didn’t say it, but I bet he was thinking about Hope and Faith every time the door opened.  Thank you, Lord, for those seeds you give us and for the fertile soil in which they are nurtured.  

Olive Garden stepped up to the patriotic plate this year, offering a free entree to Veterans on this most special day.  What a wonderful way to honor the men and women who represent, defend and protect our nation!  Our family chose to dine at OG tonight (my husband is a Navy Vet), and it was an experience I will carry with me for the rest of my life.  Not because the food was so delicious, and not because we got a chicken parmesan dinner for free.  It was something much more personal.

There was standing room only inside the small front entrance of the restaurant.  It was packed.  We were told our wait would be about 25 minutes, so we took our little coaster-shaped beeper on a small trip to the adjacent home improvement store to buy some lightbulbs.  This did help the time pass by more quickly, as when we returned we found we were only eight names down on the list for the next table.  Joy!  As we stood in the crowd, we kept one eye on our beeper (as if we would miss the vibrations and alerting its-your-turn noises when our table was available) and we kept the other eye studying the people around us.  There were Veterans of all shapes and sizes, ages, cultural backgrounds.  Some were women.  Some were men.  Mothers.  Fathers.  Daughters.  Sons.  Friends.  There was no animosity in the crowd, instead, an overall unspoken appreciation for each other.  Then, when we were about three names down on the list for the next table, an older couple came in and weaved their way up to the hostess booth.  The gentleman, tall and conservatively dressed, guided his lovely wife through the masses, ever so tenderly directing her.  I heard him announce, when he was leaving his name, that he had served in WWII.   Without much ado, he lead his bride to a nearby wall, where they waited, like everyone else.  There were no seats available.  I took note of the love I saw between them, holding hands, as they stood silently waiting for their name to move up the list.

After studying them for a few minutes, and searching the room for a vacant seat where they could wait comfortably, I turned to my husband and said,  “You know, honey, I was thinking.  When our table comes up, we should go over there and trade beepers with that sweet couple, so that they can be seated first.”  To this, my husband replied, “I was just thinking the same thing.”  Immediately after, our 9-year-old held up the beeper, excited that we “finally” got called upon.  My husband said, as we followed our server right past the couple standing by the wall, “it’s a different number”, with a tone that told me we were not trading places with them.  A different number?  I didn’t know what he meant at the time (he later explained that he thought because there were only the two of them, and we had 3 in our party, that the table sizes might be different; hence, “different number” of people to be seated at the table).    I dismissed the thought and just followed behind to our table.

As we settled in to games of tic-tac-toe on the children’s menu and deciding between water or diet coke with lemons for our beverage choice, I didn’t think about the couple.  At least not right away.  We had friendly banter with the waitresses and waiters, greeted some familiar faces seated near us.  We moved on from tic-tac-toe to the dots game.  Then, sometime between the arrival of the soups and entrees, I finally settled into my chair and lifted my eyes to the wall where the couple had been standing, only to notice them still there.  It had probably been about 25 minutes since we had been seated.  They were still waiting.  And this is when it happened.  The thing that will forever be with me, at least I hope it will.  Coming upon me in a rush, heaviness consumed me.  “Oh, I have failed to do what the Holy Spirit wanted me to do.”  A simple gesture of kindness, in a possible arena that could have become alit like wild fire, was asked of  me, confirmed by my husband having the same desire.  I was encouraged to reach out to this couple, and I did not follow through.  And now, as I saw them still waiting, I was overcome with shame at having missed a chance to be obedient in showing the love of Jesus Christ.

Tears came.  My husband knew.  From the moment I looked up at the couple still standing there, I couldn’t go back to not thinking about them.  I told my husband, “We should have offered them our spot.”  At this, my husband just nodded in agreement.  I could see that he understood exactly how I was feeling.  But having confessed this to my husband didn’t relieve any of the weight I was now carrying.  I said, “I don’t know how to fix it.  I can’t go back and offer them our table now.  There’s nothing I can do.  I’ve been trying to think of a way to reach out to them, and there is no way, now.  I have nothing to offer them.”  I had been trying to think of a way to “have another chance” to do something.  Nothing came, yet the weight was becoming even more overpowering.  I lowered my head and silently prayed for forgiveness for failing to be obedient.  Father, I’m so sorry I did not follow through with what I know you were asking me to do.  Please help me to be more steadfast and obedient.  I don’t want to miss any other opportunities to show you to others through my actions.  It was about this time that our entrees were delivered.  With water-logged eyes, I asked my waiter if he would help me with something.  I pointed out the couple to him, and told him I would like to pay their bill, but that I didn’t want them to know it was me.  I imagine it’s not every day that the wait staff has to deal with emotional women who want to pay for stranger’s bills, but our waiter was on board.  He told me he could arrange that.  “There’s one thing, though”, I told him.  “I want to write a little note to this couple.  Can you bring me some paper?”

Pushing my food aside, I began a note, “Dear Sir…”

It was a short note, but it did two things.  One – I thanked him for his service to our country, and two – I apologized for not being obedient in offering our table to him, as I knew the Holy Spirit was encouraging me to do.  Through this note, I was able to tell him how encouraged I am to be more steadfast in my obedience.

I felt the Holy Spirit working in and through me tonight, and something was pointed out to me again, loud and clear.  It seems to be a common theme with me these days.  We make choices.  They are not always the choices that God would hope for us to make.  But, when we make a choice that does not match up with his plan for us, He can, and will, take that choice and create good out of it if we allow him to.  He has the plan.  His plan is always perfect, and right, even though we can’t see it all the time when we’re in the middle of our own plans.  Once I asked for forgiveness tonight, and confessed to my heavenly Father how sorry I was for not being obedient, he showed me a way to share his love….not only with the couple, but with the waitstaff and probably the people seated near us….God’s love was shown and shared.

Thank you, Lord, for teaching me tonight.  For allowing me to feel shame in not doing what you wanted me to do…..and then for allowing me to feel joy in your forgiveness.

All things….all…every single one of them.

Our Heavenly Father didn’t promise us that most things will work together for good, or that some things will and some things won’t.  We are told in Romans 8:28, “All things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”  ALL.  Period.

This past week during a study group at church, the challenge was issued for each of us to really take a look at our journey so far and consider how Romans 8:28 has been realized in our personal lives.  Wow!  The thing is, from the point I’m at right now, looking back for one specific reference is overwhelming and my naturally A.D.D. self quickly wants to think about something else more defined, like the number of chains in a dishcloth I’m crocheting, or the order of events in my schedule for tomorrow’s business day.  Something finite.  Something I can count.  Something I can begin, and end.  I like tasks with that kind of closure and completion.  But looking at my yesterdays and picking out how events have worked together for good…..that IS a challenge.  I’m still a road under construction.  There are events that have intersected with others, there are accidents, potholes and uneven pavement.   There are even some dead ends, which are really not dead ends at all, because they turn me around and send me in another direction.  Okay, taking off the construction hat now and kicking those orange traffic barrels out of the way so I won’t lose you in this rant…

Had I been asked this a couple of years ago, it may have been easier for me to dismiss this challenge.  Now, though, as I’m growing in Christ and my understanding of His word more voraciously than ever, I can’t formulate a concise, tidy response.  I think this is because I’m beginning to understand Romans 8:28 better than ever.  I’m getting more “hindsight-understanding”.  As my faith is becoming more steadfast on a daily basis, as is my acceptance of the things for which I was not created to understand.  I know that all things work together for good, because I have seen witness of this in my journey so far, through the combination of many events and outcomes.  And I know that the trials I face today will be looked upon at some future date in acknowledgment that they, too, were with purpose and part of God’s plan for me.

God’s word is true, “It’s All True”, as sung to us by Jeff Slaughter.  All.  Not most.  Not some.  All.  Having God’s promise, His word, will never fail us.  As life churns forward, with all it’s beautiful countrysides and bumpy dirt roads, I know that at the end of it all, God’s promise waits for me.  Romans 8:28 just reassures me that the journey between the beginning and the end of this human life I’m living is only temporary, and will work together for good.  Now THAT is something to get excited about!   All things.

There once was this guy  who disliked a certain football team SO MUCH that he even picked out the orange candies from his favorite Skittles snack and threw them away.  It was a ritual for him.  If it was orange, it had to go.  His disdain for the team was always made apparent to any bystander who had to witness his disgust and disposal of a candy that, in his eyes, represented something bad.  He put a lot of effort into letting it be known that he didn’t want anything to do with anything orange.

I wonder, did he put on such a show over the disposal of “all things orange” when no one else was around to see him?

Hmmm.

Just like that, I thought about our spiritual walk with Christ – our attempts at “doing away with the bad” and living more and more like Christ every day.  Do we do away with the “bad” in an elaborate, attention-seeking public display, only to hold onto this same “bad” in private?  Or, are we consistent in our walk, whether it be before others or when we’re alone?

I don’t want to “do away with” my sinful ways, because it looks good to the person walking past me.
I don’t want to “do away with” my sinful ways, because it looks good to my Sunday School class.
I don’t want to “do away with” my sinful ways, because it looks good to my son’s friend’s family.
I don’t want to “do away with” my sinful ways, because it looks good to my husband.
I don’t want to “do away with” my sinful ways, because it looks good to my Aunt Eloise.

I want to “do away with” my sinful ways, because I want to be more like Christ…because the Holy Spirit lives in me and is pleased when I do this…..because of my love for God.

My Father knows my heart, whether I throw away the orange candies or not, and that is all that matters.